I've been processing a lot over the last few weeks trying to put to words all that I learned, felt, and experienced in my six weeks of Sky Ranch. How does one describe the hardest yet best and most rewarding summer of their entire life? It's been difficult. I honestly could write a book about it all. It was a summer of being utterly and beautifully wrecked by God and then seeing the fruit of that in my life and the lives of those around me. In short, I will never be the same.
Conviction
One of the first things I learned at camp was about the sin in my life that I had been so complacent about. Selfishness, pride, cowardice, etc. I was hiding behind the fact that everyone has flaws (which we do), so there was nothing I could do about it. I felt no remorse. No, I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I have realized that my sin killed my Daddy. My sin nailed Him to that rugged cross. My sin beat Him until He was on His last strand of life. My sin killed Him and I am totally and completely crushed by that. How can I continue in my complacent sinning when the King of ALL died for me? How can I continue slapping my God in the face, when He died so that I may live? That gift is something I totally don't deserve. I did nothing to earn it. In fact, I did everything that earns me death, not LIFE. But here in lies the beautiful part about it: He did save me, and I am SO grateful for that. I will continue to sin every day until I leave this Earth, but I am so remorseful of that. I don't deserve it, but He offers Life anyways, so I take it with grateful hands.
Joy
The months prior to camp were really tough. I was struggling with a few things, and that's a post in itself, but the bottom line was that I was joyless and hopeless. I had no joy in things that I used to be able to find them in, so I continued searching for that joy in other things. Nothing seemed to get me out of that lull. I got to camp, and something was different. I could get out of bed in the morning without a small internal pep talk. I enjoyed the most menial tasks (ok, except for team wall, but that had it's ups too!). My co-counselor, Rachel, would say to the girls that happiness was from the world, but JOY was from the Lord. I was finding my joy in the Lord at camp, without even realizing I was doing it. I got back to Nashville and felt myself beginning to fall back into those lies that I had been believing for a lot of my life. After really digging into the Word, I realized that finding joy in the Lord meant living every moment for Him.
EVERY MOMENT.
Not just when it was convenient. Not just Sunday's by lifting my hands and bringing my Bible. Not even just during my quiet time. Every moment had to be lived for Him and would find my joy in obeying my Father and participating in a consistently growing relationship. That is why I had joy at camp. It wasn't because of the people (although you are all incredible and I thank God everyday for blessing me with an incredible family), it wasn't because of the activities, but it was because I was actively and constantly sharing the Good News with others through both my actions and my words.
My outlook on life has been completely altered. Yes, I still battle satan every day about those lies, but I now know that by following my God and seeking Him out in every situation, satan has no chance. My ministry didn't end at camp, and I know that now. Sharing what God has done in my life is an every day thing. I find my joy in that.
Anything's Possible
There were some situations I was faced with that seemed impossible. There were hearts that came through those doors that seemed too hardened for anything I or anyone said to them to penetrate. There were some days when I didn't know how I was going to make it without breaking down or falling asleep from sheer exhaustion (there were a few nights of >3 hours of sleep). There were times when I didn't know how we were going to get through team wall without all my campers killing each other.
But through God, anything is possible.
The hardest hearts were melted and changed. I made it through each day with an energy that could have only been from God. No camper died due to team wall. GOD CAN DO ANYTHING. Some girls came into our cabins with impossible situations they were dealing with, but they found out that with God, they can make it through anything. They can defeat anything that satan throws at them. I cried so many times knowing that God was changing hearts, even when I had doubted that He could. It was such a beautiful thing to see young girls coming to know Christ and being on FIRE about it. And God used this stubborn, selfish, cowardly, girl as a vessel to share His Good News. There was something that would be impossible for anyone but God. He used me through my sin and flaws to show me that He can do anything. Wow. How blessed am I that God would choose me? He didn't need me. My gosh, He did NOT need me. But He used me. How beautiful. How awesome. I am blessed beyond comparison.
Where I Am Now
So here I am in Nashville, one month and five days after driving out the east gate for the last time for 2009. It seems like just yesterday, but at the same time it seems like a million years ago. Coming back was and is not easy. How does one go from an environment where you are being constantly uplifted and encouraged in the Lord, and what can only be described as a bubble, to an environment where you are torn down by the world and the lies it is constantly feeding you? How does one go from an environment filled with people who you consider as good as family to an environment where sometimes you just don't fit in? It's been one month and five days and I'm still trying to adjust. I'm trying to bring my bubble life into my real world life. Some days it doesn't work and those days are really hard. Some days it does work and those days are filled with JOY. But through everything, I have to keep leaning on God for understanding, love, hope, and companionship. He is constant. He is constantly moving me. Constantly changing me. Constantly loving me. Constantly disciplining me. Constantly comforting me. Constantly doing the impossible in me. Constantly there. I'm leaning on that today.
I hope that you have had an experience of complete change like this. It is beautiful.
Have a blessed day,
Mac
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